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7 Deadly Relationship Sins to Avoid at All Costs

These behaviors can ruin an otherwise healthy partnership

Feminista Jones·Follow

Published inZORA5 min read·Feb 25, 2020

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A photo of an African-American couple standing back-to-back, discontent. — Photo: Strauss/Curtis/Getty Images

Real talk: Humans mess up, and regardless of whatever spiritual faith or religious tradition you adhere to (or don’t), some behaviors are almost universally understood as more intense in their severity. You may have heard of the “seven deadly sins” as part of the Christian tradition — the cardinal sins are considered more serious infractions than other wrongdoings. According to tradition, lust, gluttony, pride, sloth, greed, wrath, and envy are the main “sins.”

I thought it might be interesting to apply them to intimate partnerships. When you think about it, these things can be severely detrimental to the overall success of our partnerships, and if we’re not careful, they can ruin the otherwise happy, healthy life we’ve built with someone special. Let’s consider each one, look at some examples of how they manifest, and talk about ways we can avoid succumbing to them.

Lust

Sexual desire is healthy within a relationship and arguably one of the defining connectors in intimate partnerships. With the exception of asexuality or other health-related limitations, most people revel in the lust they feel for their partners. However, lust can be misguided and even weaponized. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, your sexual desire for your partner should be your primary focus; don’t succumb to the temptation of acting on any desires you may have for others. If there’s something lacking in your sex life, it’s your responsibility to communicate that to your partner and make every effort to improve it. If you do end up cheating, whether because you’re unfulfilled at home or you simply can’t say no, own up to it, and don’t blame your partner for your infidelity. Maybe try ethical nonmonogamy in your next relationship if you need more sexual variety.

Gluttony

Though often used in the context of dietary matters, gluttony also speaks to being habitually excessive in your behaviors. One way this shows up in relationships is in what we now consider to be “toxic” behaviors, like being controlling, possessive, and demanding. Wanting to monitor your partner’s behaviors online, over-the-top reactions to them receiving compliments from others, and making demands on their time are all behaviors to avoid. It also looks like being fiscally irresponsible just to put up a good front and convince people your relationship is better than it seems. Expensive trips, lavish gifts, and overspending isn’t a good look for people living paycheck to paycheck, so who are you trying to impress? Don’t let “doing it for the ’Gram” leave you broke, busted, and miserable with each other.

Pride

Pride is tricky, because in some ways, having pride in oneself is a good motivator and confidence boost. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of yourself and your partner, your accomplishments, and the people you’ve become. The problem is when you become so proud that you’re unable to be vulnerable with your partner or open up to them when you’re struggling and need support. I admit that this is my greatest “sin” and why I wrestle with intimacy even at my big age. If you’re too proud to open yourself up to the person you’ve committed to spending a significant amount of time with, maybe it’s time to admit that you’re better off alone.

Sloth

Sloth or laziness is the silent relationship killer. When you get comfortably situated in your relationship, it’s easy to slack off and become lazy with the effort you initially put forth to attract them and connect with them. Relationships take work! You have to work on sustaining a loving, healthy relationship every single day. You don’t have to be grandiose in your gestures; the little things really do matter. The minute you become settled into doing less and letting the relationship drag on is the minute you’ve delivered its death sentence. Show up. Show effort. Show your lover you still care enough to devote the loving energy they deserve from you.

Sloth or laziness is the silent relationship killer.

Greed

Greed has no place in any relationship. The best relationships are guided by a give-and-take approach where each partner contributes as much as receive. Reciprocity is so important to maintaining healthy relationships that when greed shows up, it becomes one of the quickest ways to extinguish the fire between you. Greed and selfishness often go hand-in-hand, so beware of people who make everything about them while offering nothing in return. Your partner(s) should pour into you as much as you pour into them. As a good friend of mine always says, “Be a fountain, not a drain.”

Wrath

The moment you begin plotting revenge on your lover is the moment you have lost your relationship forever. Yes, people hurt each other in relationships, and if the love is strong, they try to work through their problems. Seeking to hurt your partner because they hurt you first is as toxic a behavior as one can imagine. There is no “get back” when you’re working on building a healthy, sustainable relationship, so let that go. If she cheated on you, you’re not going to repair the relationship by cheating on her with her best friend. And if you even consider it, you’ve got more problems than you know.

Envy

Probably the most relatable issue in the social media era is envy. With every post tagged #RelationshipGoals and every couple showing only their highlight reel, it is easy to fall into a negative space where jealousy and envy take over. You want to go to Bali with bae, but y’all can barely afford Burger King on Thursday night. You wish your body looked more like the dudes she is liking on Instagram. You want to wear matching Old Navy pajamas with your children and post pictures on Facebook Christmas morning, but he doesn’t want children for another five years. When you spend more time being envious and coveting what others have in their relationships, you lose sight of what you already have right in front of you. Remember why you chose your person, and focus on what about them brings you the greatest joy instead of wishing they were more like the couple of social media who’s secretly living apart and really only speak for the sponsored pet-food ambassador pictures with them and the dogs.

For relationships to be successful, you have to do the work to maintain them. A successful relationship is loving, supportive, fulfilling, enjoyable, and healthy. All relationships have their ups and downs, of course, but one key to relationship success is open communication about how each partner can have their needs met and give of themselves to meet the needs of their lover. When you indulge in these “sins,” you set yourself up for failure and can do serious harm to someone you love.

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Written by Feminista Jones

21K Followers

·Writer for

ZORA

She/Her | Author, Activist. Philly-based, NYC-bred. #ReclaimingOurSpace Twitter/IG: @FeministaJones FeministaJones.com/contact for inquiries